How does it feel to be abused

How does it feel to be abused? It can be from mild to moderate to severe. Abuse is not a measurement and no other person’s story of abuse is any less insignificant no matter the amount of abuse.

To be abused you are torn down. You feel scared and wonder if you really are the bad person that the other person is telling you that you are. You wonder if you deserve the harsh words and the physical violence. You think maybe they are right and you did do something to deserve being torn down. You feel ashamed and trapped. You do not know if you can talk to anyone because you are embarrassed. You hide the pain you feel from the abuse deep inside where no one can see it and cover the bruises inside and out. On the outside your friends and family really do not see the sadness you feel.

It’s hard to tell people now because there are so many options out there they would say but they do not understand that your very soul is held captive and it is almost impossible for you to leave. So you cut away from your family and friends and isolate yourself.

You may take the inner pain and try to release it by harming yourself by cutting or by taking drugs, prescribed or not and or alcohol to soothe the ache of the pain of self doubt and hate. The fix is good for a minute or two but then the pain rushes back in and you are left wondering if this is all life is meant to be or if there is such a thing as happiness and love without pain.

Somewhere you start to see things which will help you get out of your situation but still it is hard to do. You have known abuse for so long you have no idea how life would be without it. You wonder if you can stand on your own without falling flat on your face.

One day you start to see the sun. You start to notice the birds and the blue sky. You look in the mirror at the black eye you have yet again and suddenly you are angry. You suddenly realize that what you see is not who you are and what happened to you is not a reflection of yourself but of someone who needs to take responsibility for their own action.

You realize that no matter what you do it is not up to you to make someone else feel a certain way. You start to care about you. You wipe the tears from your eyes and take in a deep breath. You let the air go and with it, you feel the pain start to go with it and suddenly you realize that you can do this. You are worth it. You are important.

You start to reach out and look for a way out. It’s not easy and you still get your shakey days but then you meet someone who you can trust. Someone who is interested in your story and willing to help you. Trust is hard but you find that this person can understand and more importantly just listens and never says one bad word about who you are or that you deserved the treatment you got.

Now you look in the mirror and notice the stress fading away with the blackness of your eye. Today, you realize, is the day you will take your life back. You know you are terrified but something inside of you tells you that you can do this. That voice in your head telling you “No you can’t!”, starts to become quieter until one day you just don’t hear it any more.

You pack your things. You open the door and look back at the life you were and walk out into the life you will be. Holding your head up and looking forward, you walk on. You find a place to stay where others understand and now you start to go to school so you can get a job. You study hard.

You cry sometimes still scared about what the future will be but one day, as you walk down the aisle to get your graduation certificate, your tears turn from sadness to pride. You did this. No one did it for you. You are strong. You survived. Now you can help someone else get through a nightmare they think they will not just like you did. You are amazing. You are who you want to be now. Be proud. Hold your head up high.

Abuse is not a dead end. You can survive with help. If you need help, reach out. We are here. If you want to talk to me personally, send me a message on FB or email me djbewy@bewytchmeradio.comĀ

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